"So... now what are you going to do?"

I've gotten this question a lot since we announced our plans to move from Huntsville, where I was home-schooling my brother, to Birmingham.  People seem to think that now that I'm not teaching Chris anymore I won't have anything to "do" in my new home.  Sometimes the question has even been framed as, "So, will you get a job now?" in that assuming sort of tone that really thinks the answer will (or should) be "yes."  Individually these questions were innocent enough, asked out of curiosity in most cases and concern in others.



But they added up.  And they revealed a subtle (and usually unintentional) cultural mind-set about what exactly the worth is deemed to be of a stay-at-home-wife... with no kids:  not very high.



I'll be the first to admit that there are hours that aren't filled to the brim with productivity.  In fact, last Wednesday I didn't do much at all.  I needed to rest... so I did.  Isn't that wonderful?  Because my husband allows me to stay at home, I don't have to be moving 90 miles a minute.  I don't have to be the do-it-all Super-Woman of feminists' dreams.  I can just sit down and rest!



The idea that visible, tangible results are the only measure of the worth of someone's day is false.  I am not a machine.  Spending time with God, improving my mind through learning and self-education... these are two things that don't produce such results, yet I would argue that they are two of the most important habits that can be developed in my life.



Now--as I wait for children--is the ideal time to develop skills and grow in my knowledge in areas like cooking, decorating, gardening, sewing and other handicrafts, using herbs, financial management, music, foreign language, and reading.  (Not to mention basic organization skills... sheesh.  I need a LOT of work in that area.)  Some days I am overwhelmed by all the things I want to learn about that I despair over not having enough time.

And I haven't even mentioned house-work yet.  Or meal planning and preparation.  Much less volunteering my time in the community, if the opportunity and occasion arises.



So what am I going to do now?  Well, besides all the projects we're doing in the new house, I am going to...

• spend more time in prayer and worship.


• learn to order my day so that I can serve my God and my husband.  


• develop weekly meal plans and actually start cooking real dinners again.  


• tackle the stuff-monster and the dirt-dragon that like to hang around.  


• take violin lessons again as well as continue my visits to Curves.


• begin a Great Books reading course and pick up my Latin studies from high school.  


• continue my attempts at sewing and crocheting.


• start a kitchen garden and learn how to use herbs.


• kick my blog back into action. 

That's what I'm going to do, and I don't need a paycheck to make it worth my while.

"So... now what are you going to do?"

I've gotten this question a lot since we announced our plans to move from Huntsville, where I was home-schooling my brother, to Birmingham.  People seem to think that now that I'm not teaching Chris anymore I won't have anything to "do" in my new home.  Sometimes the question has even been framed as, "So, will you get a job now?" in that assuming sort of tone that really thinks the answer will (or should) be "yes."  Individually these questions were innocent enough, asked out of curiosity in most cases and concern in others.



But they added up.  And they revealed a subtle (and usually unintentional) cultural mind-set about what exactly the worth is deemed to be of a stay-at-home-wife... with no kids:  not very high.



I'll be the first to admit that there are hours that aren't filled to the brim with productivity.  In fact, last Wednesday I didn't do much at all.  I needed to rest... so I did.  Isn't that wonderful?  Because my husband allows me to stay at home, I don't have to be moving 90 miles a minute.  I don't have to be the do-it-all Super-Woman of feminists' dreams.  I can just sit down and rest!



The idea that visible, tangible results are the only measure of the worth of someone's day is false.  I am not a machine.  Spending time with God, improving my mind through learning and self-education... these are two things that don't produce such results, yet I would argue that they are two of the most important habits that can be developed in my life.



Now--as I wait for children--is the ideal time to develop skills and grow in my knowledge in areas like cooking, decorating, gardening, sewing and other handicrafts, using herbs, financial management, music, foreign language, and reading.  (Not to mention basic organization skills... sheesh.  I need a LOT of work in that area.)  Some days I am overwhelmed by all the things I want to learn about that I despair over not having enough time.

And I haven't even mentioned house-work yet.  Or meal planning and preparation.  Much less volunteering my time in the community, if the opportunity and occasion arises.



So what am I going to do now?  Well, besides all the projects we're doing in the new house, I am going to...

• spend more time in prayer and worship.


• learn to order my day so that I can serve my God and my husband.  


• develop weekly meal plans and actually start cooking real dinners again.  


• tackle the stuff-monster and the dirt-dragon that like to hang around.  


• take violin lessons again as well as continue my visits to Curves.


• begin a Great Books reading course and pick up my Latin studies from high school.  


• continue my attempts at sewing and crocheting.


• start a kitchen garden and learn how to use herbs.


• kick my blog back into action. 

That's what I'm going to do, and I don't need a paycheck to make it worth my while.

Life Updates

House:  We are set to close on our house (the one I posted about on Feb. 2) on March 11!  In less than two weeks, we will be the owners of a WHOLE BUILDING.  Wow.  We just bought a new (well, "new" to us) dining set today, as we had no stable chairs and needed a china cabinet in which to store our dishes.  We plan to "camp-out" in the house for a few weeks while we clean it, paint most of the rooms, and lay tile in the kitchen and the basement den.  It's so much easier to do all that stuff before there's a lot of furniture to work around... or so we've heard.

Fertility/Kids:  I took Round 5 of Clomid last week.  Still at 100mg.  I'm staying fairly positive by reminding myself how difficult it would be to move during first trimester exhaustion....



I did contact the Agape social worker in Birmingham yesterday to let her know we were interested in becoming foster parents.  She replied today with an application and let me know that training classes could start as early as the end of March!  Training would be 10 weeks, and I assume the home-study would also happen during that time.  We could be only a few months away from caring for one of God's precious children!



And last but not least....

The other week I went to Curves as usual, only to find over 30 pages from Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition plastered all over the mirror.  I immediately felt my face get hot.  It was distracting to work out with all those women staring seductively off their pages, especially while realizing how many men would be lusting over the same pictures in their own copies.  How many men would fall into the deep pit of s*xual addiction because of these pictures?  Almost everyone I know who's struggled with p*rnography began their battle with photos more innocent than these--undergarment advertisements in catalogs, etc.--yet here they were, in public, put up in a business founded by Christians and run by Christians.  I just got angrier and angrier, while the women around me chuckled and thought of it as a joke.  How could I say anything?  I'm already quite an anomaly there (and everywhere else, for that matter), and I didn't want to ruin anybody's fun.  So I left.



But I didn't stop thinking about it.  I went back on Friday, determined to explain how offensive those images were to me in as loving but firm a way as possible, and they were gone.  I was relieved, but I still felt like I needed to pursue the subject.  Before I could, I heard people discussing it already.  Apparently someone else had quite firmly but also quite unlovingly said how they didn't want to feel pressured to look like those perfectly airbrushed seductresses, especially not while working out, so take them down or else.  I threw in my two cents, mentioning how they had been rather offensive on a moral level (though not in those words exactly), and my view was immediately dismissed.  I went to the bathroom and started crying.  I couldn't help it; it's a very sensitive subject for me.  I came out, reminding myself that many people just don't understand the effects those images can and do have on the majority of men (and women, and their families), determined to continue my work-out, but the sweet lady who works there could tell something was wrong, and realized that her words had hurt me.  I explained things more fully, and she was truly sorry for it.



I left that night feeling better about the whole thing, but also quite discouraged.  If older, Christian women can't see the damage that even soft-core p*rn has done and continues to do to our men, what hope do we have?  What do you do in situations like this, when someone offends your morals unintentionally and/or is completely unaware of the sin which they are encouraging?

Life Updates

House:  We are set to close on our house (the one I posted about on Feb. 2) on March 11!  In less than two weeks, we will be the owners of a WHOLE BUILDING.  Wow.  We just bought a new (well, "new" to us) dining set today, as we had no stable chairs and needed a china cabinet in which to store our dishes.  We plan to "camp-out" in the house for a few weeks while we clean it, paint most of the rooms, and lay tile in the kitchen and the basement den.  It's so much easier to do all that stuff before there's a lot of furniture to work around... or so we've heard.

Fertility/Kids:  I took Round 5 of Clomid last week.  Still at 100mg.  I'm staying fairly positive by reminding myself how difficult it would be to move during first trimester exhaustion....



I did contact the Agape social worker in Birmingham yesterday to let her know we were interested in becoming foster parents.  She replied today with an application and let me know that training classes could start as early as the end of March!  Training would be 10 weeks, and I assume the home-study would also happen during that time.  We could be only a few months away from caring for one of God's precious children!



And last but not least....

The other week I went to Curves as usual, only to find over 30 pages from Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition plastered all over the mirror.  I immediately felt my face get hot.  It was distracting to work out with all those women staring seductively off their pages, especially while realizing how many men would be lusting over the same pictures in their own copies.  How many men would fall into the deep pit of s*xual addiction because of these pictures?  Almost everyone I know who's struggled with p*rnography began their battle with photos more innocent than these--undergarment advertisements in catalogs, etc.--yet here they were, in public, put up in a business founded by Christians and run by Christians.  I just got angrier and angrier, while the women around me chuckled and thought of it as a joke.  How could I say anything?  I'm already quite an anomaly there (and everywhere else, for that matter), and I didn't want to ruin anybody's fun.  So I left.



But I didn't stop thinking about it.  I went back on Friday, determined to explain how offensive those images were to me in as loving but firm a way as possible, and they were gone.  I was relieved, but I still felt like I needed to pursue the subject.  Before I could, I heard people discussing it already.  Apparently someone else had quite firmly but also quite unlovingly said how they didn't want to feel pressured to look like those perfectly airbrushed seductresses, especially not while working out, so take them down or else.  I threw in my two cents, mentioning how they had been rather offensive on a moral level (though not in those words exactly), and my view was immediately dismissed.  I went to the bathroom and started crying.  I couldn't help it; it's a very sensitive subject for me.  I came out, reminding myself that many people just don't understand the effects those images can and do have on the majority of men (and women, and their families), determined to continue my work-out, but the sweet lady who works there could tell something was wrong, and realized that her words had hurt me.  I explained things more fully, and she was truly sorry for it.



I left that night feeling better about the whole thing, but also quite discouraged.  If older, Christian women can't see the damage that even soft-core p*rn has done and continues to do to our men, what hope do we have?  What do you do in situations like this, when someone offends your morals unintentionally and/or is completely unaware of the sin which they are encouraging?

Fertility.

I am trusting the Lord with my fertility.



But I'm learning that that means more than simply going off birth control and expecting God to send us a baby ASAP.  For some of us, it means waiting.  And waiting.  And praying, then more waiting.  And that is hard.  I'm not waiting very patiently.  I'm spiritually tapping my foot and thinking, "All right, Father.  I did my part.  Now You do Yours!"



I didn't expect we'd conceive in the first few months.  I've always known there was something a little off with my fertility.  So this past spring I had some blood work done, which discovered I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid under-produces hormones.  So I went on medication, assuming that would fix the problem, normalize my body, and lead to the ability to conceive.  Yet over half a year later, there has still been no unaided ovulation.



To realize that my body is broken and not functioning healthily is quite a downer, to put it lightly.  I don't ovulate.  Without medical assistance, at least at this point in time, I can't conceive a child.  Conception is so tightly tied into a woman's identity--my identity--that this fact hit me pretty hard, and it's something I struggle with every day.



Those dark questions pop into my mind unbidden, "Does God not think I'm good enough to be a mother?"  "Is this punishment for a sin in my past?"  "Don't I deserve a baby--why won't He give me one?"  Questions such as these lead only to bitterness and depression, and so I attempt to smother them before they can grow... but with every negative test and every lab result which shows no ovulation has occurred, they return all too quickly.



But then I remind myself that the Lord knows infinitely more and better than I do; He loves me, and He will do what is best for me (even if I can't understand it right now).

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Stories like Hannah's in 1 Samuel 1 give me encouragement:  God hears the prayers of us barren women.  I am not alone in my struggle; the wives of the great patriarchs of Israel--Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel--were barren also.  According to Proverbs, the barren womb will never say "enough" (30:16).  The psalmist says that

"He grants the barren woman a home, / Like a joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9).  

Barrenness is not uncommon among God's people.  I am not unloved; I am not less worthy than others who bear children; I am not being punished.  Thus far it has simply not been in God's plan for me to bear children.

So I have gone off of birth control and prayed for babies, for the Lord to open my womb.  But thanks to medical advances of late, not only can we prevent conception, we can also encourage or even cause it.  So for us the question became, "How far are we willing to go to medically encourage conception?" 



With this ever in mind, I have been taking Clomid--which is used to induce ovulation--for two months now.  We prayed about this for many weeks before deciding to use it, wondering if we were "going too far" to mess with my fertility.   God spoke through some close friends who reminded me that I need to do what I can to make my body healthy and able to bear children.  Not ovulating is not healthy whether you're trying to conceive or not!  Whether or not conception occurs is still completely in the Lord's hands, but if He chooses to cause it to happen, my body will be ready.



In closing, I ask all of you to please pray for Trevvor and I, this week especially.  Clomid has some rough side-effects, especially moodiness and crankiness (Trevvor's had to put up with a lot these past months).  And, more importantly, at some point in the next few days ovulation will occur, and if it is God's plan, we will be blessed with one of His greatest blessings.

Fertility.

I am trusting the Lord with my fertility.



But I'm learning that that means more than simply going off birth control and expecting God to send us a baby ASAP.  For some of us, it means waiting.  And waiting.  And praying, then more waiting.  And that is hard.  I'm not waiting very patiently.  I'm spiritually tapping my foot and thinking, "All right, Father.  I did my part.  Now You do Yours!"



I didn't expect we'd conceive in the first few months.  I've always known there was something a little off with my fertility.  So this past spring I had some blood work done, which discovered I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid under-produces hormones.  So I went on medication, assuming that would fix the problem, normalize my body, and lead to the ability to conceive.  Yet over half a year later, there has still been no unaided ovulation.



To realize that my body is broken and not functioning healthily is quite a downer, to put it lightly.  I don't ovulate.  Without medical assistance, at least at this point in time, I can't conceive a child.  Conception is so tightly tied into a woman's identity--my identity--that this fact hit me pretty hard, and it's something I struggle with every day.



Those dark questions pop into my mind unbidden, "Does God not think I'm good enough to be a mother?"  "Is this punishment for a sin in my past?"  "Don't I deserve a baby--why won't He give me one?"  Questions such as these lead only to bitterness and depression, and so I attempt to smother them before they can grow... but with every negative test and every lab result which shows no ovulation has occurred, they return all too quickly.



But then I remind myself that the Lord knows infinitely more and better than I do; He loves me, and He will do what is best for me (even if I can't understand it right now).

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Stories like Hannah's in 1 Samuel 1 give me encouragement:  God hears the prayers of us barren women.  I am not alone in my struggle; the wives of the great patriarchs of Israel--Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel--were barren also.  According to Proverbs, the barren womb will never say "enough" (30:16).  The psalmist says that

"He grants the barren woman a home, / Like a joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9).  

Barrenness is not uncommon among God's people.  I am not unloved; I am not less worthy than others who bear children; I am not being punished.  Thus far it has simply not been in God's plan for me to bear children.

So I have gone off of birth control and prayed for babies, for the Lord to open my womb.  But thanks to medical advances of late, not only can we prevent conception, we can also encourage or even cause it.  So for us the question became, "How far are we willing to go to medically encourage conception?" 



With this ever in mind, I have been taking Clomid--which is used to induce ovulation--for two months now.  We prayed about this for many weeks before deciding to use it, wondering if we were "going too far" to mess with my fertility.   God spoke through some close friends who reminded me that I need to do what I can to make my body healthy and able to bear children.  Not ovulating is not healthy whether you're trying to conceive or not!  Whether or not conception occurs is still completely in the Lord's hands, but if He chooses to cause it to happen, my body will be ready.



In closing, I ask all of you to please pray for Trevvor and I, this week especially.  Clomid has some rough side-effects, especially moodiness and crankiness (Trevvor's had to put up with a lot these past months).  And, more importantly, at some point in the next few days ovulation will occur, and if it is God's plan, we will be blessed with one of His greatest blessings.

"She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms."

I am a weak 23 year old woman.  I've never been involved in sports (I was a musician--didn't want to break an arm or finger).  I think I worked out a handful of times in high school at the local YMCA, and a few more times off and on in college.  I asked Trevvor to train me and keep me on track, but though he valiantly tried, he found in me a wimpy pupil.



But now, for a whole month, I've worked out three times per week at a nearby Curves.



And I'm seeing results!  In the past month, I lost over five pounds in fat mass and gained some pounds in muscle mass!



My motivations are clear and ever-present:

• I want my body and my health to bring glory to God


• I want my physical condition to honor my husband


• I want to be able to handle the workload of keeping home and children


• I want to be able to keep up with my oh-so-athletic husband


• I want to continue to be attractive to my husband as I age


• I want to have a more stable emotional life, which is (come to find out) intricately connected to your physical health


• I want to be fit and able to give birth to as many children as the Lord blesses us with

There are others, more minor and specific than I'm sure you'd want to read.  But the point is, I'm motivated.  I'm motivated from the mind, but more importantly I'm motivated from the spirit.  

I don't just want to work out to have a "hot body," (though for Trevvor I'm sure that will be a perk); I want to exercise so I can be more like that Proverbs 31 woman, who strengthened her arms for her daily tasks of being a wife, mother, and home-keeper.  I want to have the energy to "rise while it is yet night" and prepare for the day!

And so, three times a week, I drive 20 minutes into town and take about 45 minutes to change, exercise, stretch, and change again before making the return 20 minute journey.  I don't like leaving the house that often, and I really don't like driving (period), but for the sake of my family, it's worth it.

P.S.  Curves is a women-only gym, and its woman-focus is apparent in its very design!  It's easy (sort of) to work out there--everything's in a circle and you just go around the circuit twice per work-out.  There are also computer chips that you put in each machine and they show you your progress after each session.  I love it!

"She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms."

I am a weak 23 year old woman.  I've never been involved in sports (I was a musician--didn't want to break an arm or finger).  I think I worked out a handful of times in high school at the local YMCA, and a few more times off and on in college.  I asked Trevvor to train me and keep me on track, but though he valiantly tried, he found in me a wimpy pupil.



But now, for a whole month, I've worked out three times per week at a nearby Curves.



And I'm seeing results!  In the past month, I lost over five pounds in fat mass and gained some pounds in muscle mass!



My motivations are clear and ever-present:

• I want my body and my health to bring glory to God


• I want my physical condition to honor my husband


• I want to be able to handle the workload of keeping home and children


• I want to be able to keep up with my oh-so-athletic husband


• I want to continue to be attractive to my husband as I age


• I want to have a more stable emotional life, which is (come to find out) intricately connected to your physical health


• I want to be fit and able to give birth to as many children as the Lord blesses us with

There are others, more minor and specific than I'm sure you'd want to read.  But the point is, I'm motivated.  I'm motivated from the mind, but more importantly I'm motivated from the spirit.  

I don't just want to work out to have a "hot body," (though for Trevvor I'm sure that will be a perk); I want to exercise so I can be more like that Proverbs 31 woman, who strengthened her arms for her daily tasks of being a wife, mother, and home-keeper.  I want to have the energy to "rise while it is yet night" and prepare for the day!

And so, three times a week, I drive 20 minutes into town and take about 45 minutes to change, exercise, stretch, and change again before making the return 20 minute journey.  I don't like leaving the house that often, and I really don't like driving (period), but for the sake of my family, it's worth it.

P.S.  Curves is a women-only gym, and its woman-focus is apparent in its very design!  It's easy (sort of) to work out there--everything's in a circle and you just go around the circuit twice per work-out.  There are also computer chips that you put in each machine and they show you your progress after each session.  I love it!