But I'm learning that that means more than simply going off birth control and expecting God to send us a baby ASAP. For some of us, it means waiting. And waiting. And praying, then more waiting. And that is hard. I'm not waiting very patiently. I'm spiritually tapping my foot and thinking, "All right, Father. I did my part. Now You do Yours!"
I didn't expect we'd conceive in the first few months. I've always known there was something a little off with my fertility. So this past spring I had some blood work done, which discovered I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid under-produces hormones. So I went on medication, assuming that would fix the problem, normalize my body, and lead to the ability to conceive. Yet over half a year later, there has still been no unaided ovulation.
To realize that my body is broken and not functioning healthily is quite a downer, to put it lightly. I don't ovulate. Without medical assistance, at least at this point in time, I can't conceive a child. Conception is so tightly tied into a woman's identity--my identity--that this fact hit me pretty hard, and it's something I struggle with every day.
Those dark questions pop into my mind unbidden, "Does God not think I'm good enough to be a mother?" "Is this punishment for a sin in my past?" "Don't I deserve a baby--why won't He give me one?" Questions such as these lead only to bitterness and depression, and so I attempt to smother them before they can grow... but with every negative test and every lab result which shows no ovulation has occurred, they return all too quickly.
But then I remind myself that the Lord knows infinitely more and better than I do; He loves me, and He will do what is best for me (even if I can't understand it right now).
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).
Stories like Hannah's in 1 Samuel 1 give me encouragement: God hears the prayers of us barren women. I am not alone in my struggle; the wives of the great patriarchs of Israel--Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel--were barren also. According to Proverbs, the barren womb will never say "enough" (30:16). The psalmist says that
"He grants the barren woman a home, / Like a joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9).
Barrenness is not uncommon among God's people. I am not unloved; I am not less worthy than others who bear children; I am not being punished. Thus far it has simply not been in God's plan for me to bear children.
So I have gone off of birth control and prayed for babies, for the Lord to open my womb. But thanks to medical advances of late, not only can we prevent conception, we can also encourage or even cause it. So for us the question became, "How far are we willing to go to medically encourage conception?"
With this ever in mind, I have been taking Clomid--which is used to induce ovulation--for two months now. We prayed about this for many weeks before deciding to use it, wondering if we were "going too far" to mess with my fertility. God spoke through some close friends who reminded me that I need to do what I can to make my body healthy and able to bear children. Not ovulating is not healthy whether you're trying to conceive or not! Whether or not conception occurs is still completely in the Lord's hands, but if He chooses to cause it to happen, my body will be ready.
In closing, I ask all of you to please pray for Trevvor and I, this week especially. Clomid has some rough side-effects, especially moodiness and crankiness (Trevvor's had to put up with a lot these past months). And, more importantly, at some point in the next few days ovulation will occur, and if it is God's plan, we will be blessed with one of His greatest blessings.
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