Life Updates

House:  We are set to close on our house (the one I posted about on Feb. 2) on March 11!  In less than two weeks, we will be the owners of a WHOLE BUILDING.  Wow.  We just bought a new (well, "new" to us) dining set today, as we had no stable chairs and needed a china cabinet in which to store our dishes.  We plan to "camp-out" in the house for a few weeks while we clean it, paint most of the rooms, and lay tile in the kitchen and the basement den.  It's so much easier to do all that stuff before there's a lot of furniture to work around... or so we've heard.

Fertility/Kids:  I took Round 5 of Clomid last week.  Still at 100mg.  I'm staying fairly positive by reminding myself how difficult it would be to move during first trimester exhaustion....



I did contact the Agape social worker in Birmingham yesterday to let her know we were interested in becoming foster parents.  She replied today with an application and let me know that training classes could start as early as the end of March!  Training would be 10 weeks, and I assume the home-study would also happen during that time.  We could be only a few months away from caring for one of God's precious children!



And last but not least....

The other week I went to Curves as usual, only to find over 30 pages from Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition plastered all over the mirror.  I immediately felt my face get hot.  It was distracting to work out with all those women staring seductively off their pages, especially while realizing how many men would be lusting over the same pictures in their own copies.  How many men would fall into the deep pit of s*xual addiction because of these pictures?  Almost everyone I know who's struggled with p*rnography began their battle with photos more innocent than these--undergarment advertisements in catalogs, etc.--yet here they were, in public, put up in a business founded by Christians and run by Christians.  I just got angrier and angrier, while the women around me chuckled and thought of it as a joke.  How could I say anything?  I'm already quite an anomaly there (and everywhere else, for that matter), and I didn't want to ruin anybody's fun.  So I left.



But I didn't stop thinking about it.  I went back on Friday, determined to explain how offensive those images were to me in as loving but firm a way as possible, and they were gone.  I was relieved, but I still felt like I needed to pursue the subject.  Before I could, I heard people discussing it already.  Apparently someone else had quite firmly but also quite unlovingly said how they didn't want to feel pressured to look like those perfectly airbrushed seductresses, especially not while working out, so take them down or else.  I threw in my two cents, mentioning how they had been rather offensive on a moral level (though not in those words exactly), and my view was immediately dismissed.  I went to the bathroom and started crying.  I couldn't help it; it's a very sensitive subject for me.  I came out, reminding myself that many people just don't understand the effects those images can and do have on the majority of men (and women, and their families), determined to continue my work-out, but the sweet lady who works there could tell something was wrong, and realized that her words had hurt me.  I explained things more fully, and she was truly sorry for it.



I left that night feeling better about the whole thing, but also quite discouraged.  If older, Christian women can't see the damage that even soft-core p*rn has done and continues to do to our men, what hope do we have?  What do you do in situations like this, when someone offends your morals unintentionally and/or is completely unaware of the sin which they are encouraging?

Life Updates

House:  We are set to close on our house (the one I posted about on Feb. 2) on March 11!  In less than two weeks, we will be the owners of a WHOLE BUILDING.  Wow.  We just bought a new (well, "new" to us) dining set today, as we had no stable chairs and needed a china cabinet in which to store our dishes.  We plan to "camp-out" in the house for a few weeks while we clean it, paint most of the rooms, and lay tile in the kitchen and the basement den.  It's so much easier to do all that stuff before there's a lot of furniture to work around... or so we've heard.

Fertility/Kids:  I took Round 5 of Clomid last week.  Still at 100mg.  I'm staying fairly positive by reminding myself how difficult it would be to move during first trimester exhaustion....



I did contact the Agape social worker in Birmingham yesterday to let her know we were interested in becoming foster parents.  She replied today with an application and let me know that training classes could start as early as the end of March!  Training would be 10 weeks, and I assume the home-study would also happen during that time.  We could be only a few months away from caring for one of God's precious children!



And last but not least....

The other week I went to Curves as usual, only to find over 30 pages from Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition plastered all over the mirror.  I immediately felt my face get hot.  It was distracting to work out with all those women staring seductively off their pages, especially while realizing how many men would be lusting over the same pictures in their own copies.  How many men would fall into the deep pit of s*xual addiction because of these pictures?  Almost everyone I know who's struggled with p*rnography began their battle with photos more innocent than these--undergarment advertisements in catalogs, etc.--yet here they were, in public, put up in a business founded by Christians and run by Christians.  I just got angrier and angrier, while the women around me chuckled and thought of it as a joke.  How could I say anything?  I'm already quite an anomaly there (and everywhere else, for that matter), and I didn't want to ruin anybody's fun.  So I left.



But I didn't stop thinking about it.  I went back on Friday, determined to explain how offensive those images were to me in as loving but firm a way as possible, and they were gone.  I was relieved, but I still felt like I needed to pursue the subject.  Before I could, I heard people discussing it already.  Apparently someone else had quite firmly but also quite unlovingly said how they didn't want to feel pressured to look like those perfectly airbrushed seductresses, especially not while working out, so take them down or else.  I threw in my two cents, mentioning how they had been rather offensive on a moral level (though not in those words exactly), and my view was immediately dismissed.  I went to the bathroom and started crying.  I couldn't help it; it's a very sensitive subject for me.  I came out, reminding myself that many people just don't understand the effects those images can and do have on the majority of men (and women, and their families), determined to continue my work-out, but the sweet lady who works there could tell something was wrong, and realized that her words had hurt me.  I explained things more fully, and she was truly sorry for it.



I left that night feeling better about the whole thing, but also quite discouraged.  If older, Christian women can't see the damage that even soft-core p*rn has done and continues to do to our men, what hope do we have?  What do you do in situations like this, when someone offends your morals unintentionally and/or is completely unaware of the sin which they are encouraging?

Part I: Children are blessings from God... all the time.

When people find out we don't use birth control not only because we're ready for kids but because we're morally opposed to it, we get some strange and varied responses.  This doesn't surprise me given that two years ago--when I was taking the Pill myself--I would have been slightly offended if someone made that statement, no matter how gently it was worded.  I thought the Duggars were crazy.  Families were huge if they had more than four children.  I was sure the Pope was dead wrong on the birth control issue (ironically, now it's one of the few things he and I would agree upon).



But things change.



I came to realize that when I said, "Sure, babies are a blessing from God," I would silently add, But not all the time.  I had taken a disturbingly pro-choice stance on the issue, though I never would have admitted it.  Babies are a blessing from God... if they're wanted.  Sounds a whole lot like "Every child a wanted child," no?



Recently as I was clearing out my laptop's "My Documents" folder, I discovered a saved AIM conversation with Trevvor that occurred while I was studying in England in 2007.  We were talking about our upcoming engagement and eventual marriage.  And then, right in the middle of discussing the kind of family car we wanted to drive (he wanted a station wagon; I wanted a mini-van--we got the station wagon last summer), the conversation took this turn....



sncasto87: we're gonna have BABIES

futbolcampo: i'm still not quite sure how that will all work, but if you say so

sncasto87: well, we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it

futbolcampo: alright, sounds good

sncasto87: i'm not having a kid until we're 25 if i have anything to say in the matter

sncasto87: i'll make my womb refuse to reproduce

sncasto87: so it's a long way off, bud.

sncasto87: yey for BIRTH CONTROL.



Out of one side of my mouth, I was so excited about being the future mother of Trevvor's children... yet I wanted to graduate from college.  And I wanted to go to grad school.  And I wanted to work for a couple of years.  And wouldn't it be nice if we were married for a while first, and maybe even settled in a house?  Because I already knew that once I had babies I would stay at home--I'd always known that--but I wanted to have a "life" first.  So I took the Pill, making my womb incapable of reproducing, just as I said I would.  In my mind, babies wouldn't be a blessing at that time because I had things on my agenda I wanted to get done first.  Never mind that God might have a different plan for me, and if that plan included babies then I was going against His will by taking birth control:  babies were not an acceptable option and I would take measures to ensure that He didn't "bless" me with them.



Put in those terms, it sounds absurd, does it not?



If only I'd known how badly I would desire children three years later... and that I would struggle to have them... and be heartbroken.  And this struggle in part thanks to the effects of the Pill I then praised!  Irony of ironies.



And so I understand the view that people have of us "full-quiverers," as we're labeled.  When I say that we don't believe birth control is biblical (that is to say, you cannot find an example of preventing the conception of a child written in a positive light; rather, you find story after story of children being sought-after blessings), I sometimes get responses like this:



"But what if the mother was raped?"

"But what if the parents aren't married?"

"But what if the mother is a young teenager?"

"But what if they already have many mouths to feed and they can't afford another?"



Though I more often get responses like this:



"But you need to be married for a few years first."

"But you should be done with college at least."

"But you need to have a financially good job."

"But it's best if you buy a house first."

"But student loans need to be paid off before adding the expense."



And on and on go the "reasons" for delaying having children, even when the parents are of age and married, and even when they have a safe place to live and a decent job that pays the necessary bills.



All of these "reasons" for not having children... I've said them myself at one point.  But this is the world's view of having children--not God's.  With God, children are always a blessing, never a curse--no, not even an "inconvenience."  Does this mean the situation is always ideal or just what we want it to be?  No.  But God's ways are higher than our ways... and this is the topic for the next post.

Part I: Children are blessings from God... all the time.

When people find out we don't use birth control not only because we're ready for kids but because we're morally opposed to it, we get some strange and varied responses.  This doesn't surprise me given that two years ago--when I was taking the Pill myself--I would have been slightly offended if someone made that statement, no matter how gently it was worded.  I thought the Duggars were crazy.  Families were huge if they had more than four children.  I was sure the Pope was dead wrong on the birth control issue (ironically, now it's one of the few things he and I would agree upon).



But things change.



I came to realize that when I said, "Sure, babies are a blessing from God," I would silently add, But not all the time.  I had taken a disturbingly pro-choice stance on the issue, though I never would have admitted it.  Babies are a blessing from God... if they're wanted.  Sounds a whole lot like "Every child a wanted child," no?



Recently as I was clearing out my laptop's "My Documents" folder, I discovered a saved AIM conversation with Trevvor that occurred while I was studying in England in 2007.  We were talking about our upcoming engagement and eventual marriage.  And then, right in the middle of discussing the kind of family car we wanted to drive (he wanted a station wagon; I wanted a mini-van--we got the station wagon last summer), the conversation took this turn....



sncasto87: we're gonna have BABIES

futbolcampo: i'm still not quite sure how that will all work, but if you say so

sncasto87: well, we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it

futbolcampo: alright, sounds good

sncasto87: i'm not having a kid until we're 25 if i have anything to say in the matter

sncasto87: i'll make my womb refuse to reproduce

sncasto87: so it's a long way off, bud.

sncasto87: yey for BIRTH CONTROL.



Out of one side of my mouth, I was so excited about being the future mother of Trevvor's children... yet I wanted to graduate from college.  And I wanted to go to grad school.  And I wanted to work for a couple of years.  And wouldn't it be nice if we were married for a while first, and maybe even settled in a house?  Because I already knew that once I had babies I would stay at home--I'd always known that--but I wanted to have a "life" first.  So I took the Pill, making my womb incapable of reproducing, just as I said I would.  In my mind, babies wouldn't be a blessing at that time because I had things on my agenda I wanted to get done first.  Never mind that God might have a different plan for me, and if that plan included babies then I was going against His will by taking birth control:  babies were not an acceptable option and I would take measures to ensure that He didn't "bless" me with them.



Put in those terms, it sounds absurd, does it not?



If only I'd known how badly I would desire children three years later... and that I would struggle to have them... and be heartbroken.  And this struggle in part thanks to the effects of the Pill I then praised!  Irony of ironies.



And so I understand the view that people have of us "full-quiverers," as we're labeled.  When I say that we don't believe birth control is biblical (that is to say, you cannot find an example of preventing the conception of a child written in a positive light; rather, you find story after story of children being sought-after blessings), I sometimes get responses like this:



"But what if the mother was raped?"

"But what if the parents aren't married?"

"But what if the mother is a young teenager?"

"But what if they already have many mouths to feed and they can't afford another?"



Though I more often get responses like this:



"But you need to be married for a few years first."

"But you should be done with college at least."

"But you need to have a financially good job."

"But it's best if you buy a house first."

"But student loans need to be paid off before adding the expense."



And on and on go the "reasons" for delaying having children, even when the parents are of age and married, and even when they have a safe place to live and a decent job that pays the necessary bills.



All of these "reasons" for not having children... I've said them myself at one point.  But this is the world's view of having children--not God's.  With God, children are always a blessing, never a curse--no, not even an "inconvenience."  Does this mean the situation is always ideal or just what we want it to be?  No.  But God's ways are higher than our ways... and this is the topic for the next post.

Songs in the Morning

We had an emotional morning today as we discussed our family, church, and home. After talking together, I had this song singing in my mind as I fixed Trevvor's lunch and long after he departed for work, so I thought I'd share it with all of you.

The Lord knows we want a baby to raise up in the nurture and admonition of Him. He knows we're searching for a church where we can serve Him. He knows we want a home of our own before too long.  He knows we desire an income which doesn't take Trevvor away from his family every day, all day.  He knows our hearts desires.

But while we are waiting, He has us in His arms.

Songs in the Morning

We had an emotional morning today as we discussed our family, church, and home. After talking together, I had this song singing in my mind as I fixed Trevvor's lunch and long after he departed for work, so I thought I'd share it with all of you.

The Lord knows we want a baby to raise up in the nurture and admonition of Him. He knows we're searching for a church where we can serve Him. He knows we want a home of our own before too long.  He knows we desire an income which doesn't take Trevvor away from his family every day, all day.  He knows our hearts desires.

But while we are waiting, He has us in His arms.

Fertility.

I am trusting the Lord with my fertility.



But I'm learning that that means more than simply going off birth control and expecting God to send us a baby ASAP.  For some of us, it means waiting.  And waiting.  And praying, then more waiting.  And that is hard.  I'm not waiting very patiently.  I'm spiritually tapping my foot and thinking, "All right, Father.  I did my part.  Now You do Yours!"



I didn't expect we'd conceive in the first few months.  I've always known there was something a little off with my fertility.  So this past spring I had some blood work done, which discovered I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid under-produces hormones.  So I went on medication, assuming that would fix the problem, normalize my body, and lead to the ability to conceive.  Yet over half a year later, there has still been no unaided ovulation.



To realize that my body is broken and not functioning healthily is quite a downer, to put it lightly.  I don't ovulate.  Without medical assistance, at least at this point in time, I can't conceive a child.  Conception is so tightly tied into a woman's identity--my identity--that this fact hit me pretty hard, and it's something I struggle with every day.



Those dark questions pop into my mind unbidden, "Does God not think I'm good enough to be a mother?"  "Is this punishment for a sin in my past?"  "Don't I deserve a baby--why won't He give me one?"  Questions such as these lead only to bitterness and depression, and so I attempt to smother them before they can grow... but with every negative test and every lab result which shows no ovulation has occurred, they return all too quickly.



But then I remind myself that the Lord knows infinitely more and better than I do; He loves me, and He will do what is best for me (even if I can't understand it right now).

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Stories like Hannah's in 1 Samuel 1 give me encouragement:  God hears the prayers of us barren women.  I am not alone in my struggle; the wives of the great patriarchs of Israel--Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel--were barren also.  According to Proverbs, the barren womb will never say "enough" (30:16).  The psalmist says that

"He grants the barren woman a home, / Like a joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9).  

Barrenness is not uncommon among God's people.  I am not unloved; I am not less worthy than others who bear children; I am not being punished.  Thus far it has simply not been in God's plan for me to bear children.

So I have gone off of birth control and prayed for babies, for the Lord to open my womb.  But thanks to medical advances of late, not only can we prevent conception, we can also encourage or even cause it.  So for us the question became, "How far are we willing to go to medically encourage conception?" 



With this ever in mind, I have been taking Clomid--which is used to induce ovulation--for two months now.  We prayed about this for many weeks before deciding to use it, wondering if we were "going too far" to mess with my fertility.   God spoke through some close friends who reminded me that I need to do what I can to make my body healthy and able to bear children.  Not ovulating is not healthy whether you're trying to conceive or not!  Whether or not conception occurs is still completely in the Lord's hands, but if He chooses to cause it to happen, my body will be ready.



In closing, I ask all of you to please pray for Trevvor and I, this week especially.  Clomid has some rough side-effects, especially moodiness and crankiness (Trevvor's had to put up with a lot these past months).  And, more importantly, at some point in the next few days ovulation will occur, and if it is God's plan, we will be blessed with one of His greatest blessings.

Fertility.

I am trusting the Lord with my fertility.



But I'm learning that that means more than simply going off birth control and expecting God to send us a baby ASAP.  For some of us, it means waiting.  And waiting.  And praying, then more waiting.  And that is hard.  I'm not waiting very patiently.  I'm spiritually tapping my foot and thinking, "All right, Father.  I did my part.  Now You do Yours!"



I didn't expect we'd conceive in the first few months.  I've always known there was something a little off with my fertility.  So this past spring I had some blood work done, which discovered I have hypothyroidism, which means my thyroid under-produces hormones.  So I went on medication, assuming that would fix the problem, normalize my body, and lead to the ability to conceive.  Yet over half a year later, there has still been no unaided ovulation.



To realize that my body is broken and not functioning healthily is quite a downer, to put it lightly.  I don't ovulate.  Without medical assistance, at least at this point in time, I can't conceive a child.  Conception is so tightly tied into a woman's identity--my identity--that this fact hit me pretty hard, and it's something I struggle with every day.



Those dark questions pop into my mind unbidden, "Does God not think I'm good enough to be a mother?"  "Is this punishment for a sin in my past?"  "Don't I deserve a baby--why won't He give me one?"  Questions such as these lead only to bitterness and depression, and so I attempt to smother them before they can grow... but with every negative test and every lab result which shows no ovulation has occurred, they return all too quickly.



But then I remind myself that the Lord knows infinitely more and better than I do; He loves me, and He will do what is best for me (even if I can't understand it right now).

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Stories like Hannah's in 1 Samuel 1 give me encouragement:  God hears the prayers of us barren women.  I am not alone in my struggle; the wives of the great patriarchs of Israel--Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel--were barren also.  According to Proverbs, the barren womb will never say "enough" (30:16).  The psalmist says that

"He grants the barren woman a home, / Like a joyful mother of children" (Psalm 113:9).  

Barrenness is not uncommon among God's people.  I am not unloved; I am not less worthy than others who bear children; I am not being punished.  Thus far it has simply not been in God's plan for me to bear children.

So I have gone off of birth control and prayed for babies, for the Lord to open my womb.  But thanks to medical advances of late, not only can we prevent conception, we can also encourage or even cause it.  So for us the question became, "How far are we willing to go to medically encourage conception?" 



With this ever in mind, I have been taking Clomid--which is used to induce ovulation--for two months now.  We prayed about this for many weeks before deciding to use it, wondering if we were "going too far" to mess with my fertility.   God spoke through some close friends who reminded me that I need to do what I can to make my body healthy and able to bear children.  Not ovulating is not healthy whether you're trying to conceive or not!  Whether or not conception occurs is still completely in the Lord's hands, but if He chooses to cause it to happen, my body will be ready.



In closing, I ask all of you to please pray for Trevvor and I, this week especially.  Clomid has some rough side-effects, especially moodiness and crankiness (Trevvor's had to put up with a lot these past months).  And, more importantly, at some point in the next few days ovulation will occur, and if it is God's plan, we will be blessed with one of His greatest blessings.